How Do we Encourage Independence in Children?

When it comes to raising children, nurturing independence is a goal that resonates with most parents and educators alike. We all want our kids to grow into responsible adults who are able to navigate the world with a sense of autonomy and confidence.

However, the way in which true independence develops is widely misunderstood.

There is a common misbelief that the path towards independence requires caregivers to push children to be more self-sufficient from an early age. Many adults worry that doing too much for their children or indulging ‘clingy’ or ‘attention-seeking’ behaviour will only lead to ‘coddled’ kids who will struggle to one day stand on their own two feet.

However, research shows that this is not the case. In fact, contrary to popular belief, honouring dependency needs in children does not hinder independence; it fuels it.

Over 50 years of attachment research shows that, when caregivers are able to respond to their children’s dependency needs in loving and reliable ways, secure attachment develops. A securely attached child has learned (on the basis of past experience) that they can count on their caregiver to provide help and understanding when needed. It is this sense of security that facilitates exploration and propels children forward.

In simple terms, the link between secure attachment and exploration can be likened to the way a crash-landing mat facilitates us learning to walk a tightrope. When we can depend on the crash-landing mat to cushion our fall, our willingness to step out onto the rope increases, making the task more approachable.

In the same way, if a child can rely on the support of a dependable caregiver, this helps them to feel more confident to explore. With their basic needs for safety and security met, children feel more ready to venture forward - propelled by their natural inclination for curiosity and play. This allows them to gain necessary life skills in manageable steps.

Its important to remember that independence cannot be forced; it is a gradual developmental process that occurs naturally. When we trust in this process and honour children’s dependence as a normal part of childhood, we offer the ever-important gift of secure attachment. When children know they can depend on their caregiver for help and support, they feel safe enough to explore and participate in their environment more fully – knowing that someone will be there for them should they fall. It is this trusting relationship that is at the heart of fostering independence and allows children to flourish in their own time.